The theme for this season’s annual pre-season Power Rankings is food.

1. Zimmar:

   • Gas Station Sushi
   • You know when you go to fill up the tank and have to pay inside because the credit card machine isn’t working by the pump, and you wind up taking a look at their fridge which has random food in it? There’s the stale looking Italian hoagies, the hot dogs that look like they’ve survived a nuclear fallout…and then there’s the sushi. The wasabi looks dark green, the tuna looks way too marbly, the salmon looks more white than orange, and they make you use a fork since they don’t have chopsticks. And when you lift the lid and take a whiff, you say “nah,” and just dump it. That’s pretty much your team, bruh. I’m sorry, but I can’t play favorites and these pre-season rankings are an annual tradition where the truth is told. I literally sent you screenshots of podcasts to listen to on youtube and made recommendations on fantasy sources to study. I’m willing to bet you didn’t listen to a single one, lol. Like literally nothing. Not even a single mock draft. Sound about right? I thought so. You took Tom Brady with the 3rd pick in Round 1. Wow. He would have likely been there in round 6 or 7 or maybe even 8. And you took Julio Jones in Round 2, when he would have surely been there by rounds 7,8 or maybe even 9. DK Metcalf is a great WR but his QB situation is sketchy, Josh Jacobs is being pushed out (although the Raiders did cut Kenyan Drake today), James Robinson is coming off an Achilles tear, Mike Gesicki was good (or maybe just decent) many moons ago, and Devin Singletary is a total gamble in Buffalo’s crowded backfield. I like Drake London in ATL and both of your defenses (Buffalo and Pitt), but that’s about it. Not gonna’ lie, if you win a grand total of 5 games this fantasy season, I’ll consider it a success. The fantasy season isn’t decided on draft night so you, of course, have a chance to rebound and piece together a salvageable season, but you’re already behind the 8 ball and you have A LOT of ground to make up. It’s a putrid start and rough to look at. Like gas station sushi. I’m still pulling for you though and will always be a resource for you for fantasy advice, so don’t throw in the towel yet….just keep grinding and working the waive wire. Gems are always found during the course of the season. That’ll be your ticket to redemption. Keep hustling.

2. Akbar:

   • Late night street food on 4th Street & Broadway in Long Beach CA
   • You know what’s awesome about legitimate street food? Good or bad, it’s always an experience. You either discover a gem local food spot served by a motivated family or recovering drug addict, or you get food poisoning because the meat they used was old and unsanitary. That’s basically my squad. I’m the local taco stand on a bike, elotero selling corn on the cob, or the juice guy in the hood. Javonte Williams and Travis Etienne, jr. are the pastor and carne asada tacos served by the dude on 4th and Willow (dude doesn’t speak English and doesn’t provide change – so pay with exact change) – which means that I’m taking a gamble with the both of them (Javonte is technically still in a time-share and Etienne just came back from a foot injury and plays for Jacksonville). It’s either a money taco spot that I’ll always visit or I’ll need to drink pepto bismol and lots of Gatorade for the weekend to recover. As for Mark Andrews and Lamar Jackson, I am taking another gamble that Lamar rebounds after a meh 2021 campaign where he was injured, and I selected Pittman over a ton of other proven commodities since I’m gambling that he emerges as a WR1 with that offensive line/Matty Ice/Jonathan Taylor in Indy. That same concept of gamble applies to Kadarius Toney (who only played 2 games last season and was hurt the rest of the season), and I’m also gambling that Tyler Boyd emerges as a serviceable WR in Cincy without Ja’Marr and Higgins hogging all of the targets. You see that word gamble again? Yep, it’s a theme with my squad, and either I have an amazing street food experience that my hero Anthony Bourdain would appreciate, or I will sink quickly to the bottom of the abyss. It’s either a great street food experience or it’s food poisoning for the weekend. There’s no in between. We shall see.

3. Belal:

   • Kentucky Fried Chicken
   • I am no hater. I love me some fried chicken on occasion. Here’s the issue with KFC. While the fried chicken is money when you grub into it, after the 4th piece of chicken, you’re starting to wish you ordered some more sides instead of having just ordered a big ol’ bucket of burnt bird. Look at what DoorDash just sent you from KFC. You have a huge spicy chicken breast (AJ Brown), a nice drumstick of classic blend recipe (Devonta Smith), and a juicy thigh of original flavor (Dallas Goeddert). Tasty, filling, reliable…but that’s a lot of chicken and not enough variety. Yes, you got some decent creamed corn (Nick Chubb: defenses will stack the box now that the air attack is mostly trash with Brissett and Kareem Hunt is still there), the green beans are sneaky tasty (Chase Edmonds could be a steal this year if he stays healthy!), Justin Jefferson is an AMAZING Popeye’s chicken sandwich that the DoorDash guy accidentally snuck in with your order, and Patrick Mahomes is a killer apple cobbler that always completes the meal. Moreover, Tony Pollard has the potential to be an amazing buttermilk biscuit and will have stand-alone value if Zeke doesn’t hold up, and Tyler Lockett is a nice little side of red beans and rice that you snuck in with your order. All in all, you have a great meal lined up, but the issue is that you have too much chicken (aka 3 starting Philadelphia Eagles and 2 starting Browns RBs), and that lack of variety makes your team a bit too bloated and the points won’t be sufficiently diversified. Not a bad meal – it’s definitely filling and tasty – but just not enough variety. Too much fried chicken.

4. Mike:

   • Taco Bell
   • So it’s common knowledge when you’re in line at the drive through at Del Taco, you always have to order a Mexican pizza (my goodness I love that crispy tostada shell with the ground beef piled on top), but after that everything else is pretty much on the same level. Outside of the legendary Mexican pizza, nothing on the Taco Bell menu makes you look forward to getting your grub on there. Same metaphor applies to your squad. Jonathan Taylor IS the Mexican pizza (so good, so filling, always reliable), but the rest of your squad feels like uninspired items off the dollar menu. I mean, Leonard Fournette is technically an RB1 but he’s just a combo burrito with processed meat and a bland flour tortilla, DJ Chark is a wimpy taquito that’s been sitting in the sun too long, Terry McLaurin is a stud WR1 but he’s catching balls from Carson Wentz so hopefully he’s not just a tiny soft taco with shredded lettuce and 10 day old tomatoes. But there is some good. Amon-Ra St. Brown is a legit WR for Goff and should be respected just like I respect a loaded chicken burrito with extra hot sauce, Chris Olave can become a huge target hog if Michael Thomas’ injury woes continue, Khalil Herbert is sneaky talented just like those sneaky cinnamon buns they serve for dessert, Gabriel Davis is underrated just like Taco Bell’s chulupas (second only to the Mexican pizza), and Isiah Pacheco can serve a critical role in KC’s backfield if he emerges from the pack of Clyde, McKinnon and Gore – he’s sorta’ like a loaded steak/carne asada burrito with guacamole that’s just waiting to satisfy your appetite at 2 a.m. And finally, of course, Josh Allen is no scrub, and between his cannon arm and rushing skills, this dude is nothing short of a loaded nachos bellgrande with extra pico de gallo, sour cream and guacamole….always a hit. All in all, your team is filling and you won’t get food poisoning, but it’s still just Taco Bell. And Taco Bell isn’t date night quality eatin’ and it’s definitely not vegan friendly.

5. Tameem:

   • El Pollo Loco
   • Before you roll your eyes, there’s nothing inherently wrong with El Pollo Loco. I don’t even consider most of their menu to be, necessarily, fast food. It’s satisfying, it fills you up, but as you begin the arduous process of digesting the grub you’d just inhaled from that particular eatery, there’s always that invariable feeling of “Am I really satisfied? Or is my gut playing games with me?” I’ll get to the point. I get it, Derrick Henry is money, but his oline is compromised this year, the script is obvious with Tennessee’s game-plan, is King Henry’s foot really fully healed, can he keep taking this abuse when he’s clearly not gonna’ catch passes in the process? Which begs the question: Was he, perhaps, drafted too high? The answer is that I don’t know, but the jury’s out on that. Keenan Allen is an elder statesman, Allen Robinson has a clean slate and is killing it in Rams camp, Darnell Mooney is the only legitimate aerial weapon in The Chi, AJ Dillon may just be better than Jones given his durability, Russell Wilson is on his redemption tour, McKissic is a nice plug n’ play given Gibson’s fumbling issues, and George Kittle may become young Trey Lance’s security blanket this season. Your team is a satisfying meal that gets the job done…it’s just not gourmet. It’s El Pollo Loco.

6. Mostafa:

   • Subway Sandwiches
   • So when you’re at the mall and you hit the food court, there’s so many options. Like, do I want Japanese teriyaki chicken today, some Mongolian beef stir fry, Blaze pizza where you can get creative options, the fancy vegan spot where they have solid hummus and split pea soup. Well, Mostafa chose none of those options at the mall. He chose Subway sandwiches. Why? I have no clue. When you have so many tasty options, why would you settle on stale bread (Cam Akers: coming back from an Achilles tear), rubbery turkey (Matt Stafford: Elbow issues in camp), funky looking tuna salad (Chris Godwin: Still hurt). Their spicy Italian sub is decent when toasted (D’Andre Swift if he can stay healthy for a change), and the Chipotle chicken ranch sub with bacon is pretty good when fresh (Ceedee Lamb if he gets more than 4 td’s a season and doesn’t have alligator arms), but their cookies are boring (Albert O. as your tight end), their lemonade is too sugary (Antonio Brown works at Cinnabon now), their veggies aren’t fresh (Rex Burkhead), and the dude always charges extra when you politely ask for extra meat (Allen Lazard). At least it’s not greasy and somewhat healthy/tasty (Eli Mitchell), and they almost never have a line which makes it easier to eat quicker and that’s a welcome benefit to eating there (Sky Moore and George Pickens). But in the grand scheme, there’s better options in the food court, in my humble opinion.

7. Diz/Wesley:

   • Denny’s at 2a.m.
   • So when you roll into Denny’s at 2 a.m., drunk and maybe faded, you just expect to eat a tolerable meal, to not spend too much on the bill, and to enjoy a hot cocoa with your friends before you head home to sleep into a lazy Sunday. In short, there’s nothing wrong with a Denny’s meal, but it’s not something you talk about the next day. It just sorta’ happens and you get what you pay for. Look, Joe Mixon is a stud/has a new oline/excellent QB/WR cast/great coach – but let’s be real, nobody considers him a true RB1 given his injury risk. And Aaron Jones is a safe pick, but nobody is turning heads when his name gets mentioned, especially with AJ Dillon how commanding a large role and defenses focusing on the box given Devante Adams’ departure. Your RBs are a grand slam or moons over my hammy breakfast – decent eggs, crispy bacon, buttermilk pancakes, French toast. Good but not amazing, and I think their ADPs are inflated. Just my opinion. I do love Justin Herbert (he’s like a strong mango juice mimosa if Denny’s even serves that?), Courtland Sutton is Russ’ newest deep threat and will get moon shots if he can stay healthy, Darren Waller is a stud when healthy. I’m not big on Miles Sanders, and I think you have legitimate sleeper potentials in Nico Collins and Curtis Samuel. All in all, you’re a filling meal, and it even tastes decent, but it ain’t gourmet. It’ll just do for 2 a.m. eatin’.

8. John:

   • 2 Costco hotdogs with all the fixins
   • 75% of the reason I even tolerate going to Costco is because of those hot dogs that they sell in their food court. I actually like those hot dogs every time I go. I’ll explain. Christian McCaffery is an absolute stud (and I can’t believe you got him where you got him on draft night) – and he may even be better than Jonathan Taylor this season if he stays healthy, Mike Evans is Brady’s only weapon given AB’s departure/Godwin’s nagging injury/Gronk’s 47th retirement, and Zeke has every opportunity to redeem himself this season after a subpar 2021 campaign. I’m not sold on Dak (I think the window’s closing on him and the oline is weaker), Hollywood Brown needs to show us he can catch balls with regularity, Diontae Johnson is a ppr beast but will that continue with Trubisky/Pickett, and Brandin Cooks is a steal but I’ve never really trusted him post-New Orleans given his sporadic production. Also, Jaylen Tolbert is a sleeper and has a chance to shine as the legitimate 2 in Dallas. So with CMac and your supporting cast, your team is a great hot dog (loaded with relish, onions, ketchup, mustard), and it’ll hold you over, but you’re never going to take a date to Costco for hot dogs. It’s just not on that level. Good, not great.

9. Aryan:

   • Chick Filet
   • Man, I love their chicken sandwiches, especially the breakfast biscuits. Me and Mike used to order them on the way to play flag football in Lake Forest back in the day. Delicious chicken biscuits which we loaded with grape jelly and summarily devoured. Great meal. Austin Ekeler is the most underrated RB1 in fantasy (I think it’s hate on his size), James Conner was awesome down the stretch last season and now Chase Edmonds is gone, Tyreek Hill is still the cheetah, Adam Thielen is the poor man’s Justin Jefferson and you got him at a bargain, Kyler Murray is in a “show me” year, Pat Freiermuth is crazy undervalued and is super agile as a TE, and Kenneth Walker (if healthy) can be the RB1 for Pete Carroll since we all know Rashad Penny can’t stay healthy. So you know why you’re Chick Filet? It’s because there’s a lot of “if” scenarios and things can be amazing…if the stars align. The same goes with Chick Filet. They’re a great meal option if you avoid going on Sunday and if you manage to get in the breakfast drive-through line before 10 a.m. when they stop serving breakfast sandwiches. It’s all or nothing with your squad, just as with Chick Filet.

10. Kayvon:

    • Inn-N-Out
    • Seriously, tell me one person who doesn’t like a double double with animal style fries? I can’t think of one, except maybe a vegan or vegetarian (and even they can still eat the animal style fries). It’s a great meal – let’s not knock it. Look, Najee Harris is a 3 down beast, Deebo Samuel is a legitimate “wideceiver” who is seemingly playing both positions at a high level, Brian Robinson may be the RB1 for Washington since Antonio Gibson sucks at the game of football and Mckissic is just a change of pace player, Hunter Renfrow is absurdly underrated, Jerry Jeudy is being slept on since everyone seems to only be talking about Courtland Sutton, and Derek Carr has strong weapons all over the field now. I do think Antonio Gibson was drafted too high (his ADP is a crock), Treylon Burks isn’t practicing with the starters, Kenny Golladay needs to show he hasn’t lost the eye of the tiger and still has gas in the tank (I personally think he’s washed). Your team is seemingly well-balanced and can put up numbers. You’re never going to be an easy out, just like Inn-N-Out is always a good choice for dinner.

11. Zayd:

    • Chili Chutney
    • So when you go the ONE Afghan restaurant in OC, you’re met with trash service, tacky furniture, dusty/unkempt carpets, unattractive/moody hostesses, flat Diet Coke, Dollar Store silverware, but the Kabuli Palau, mantoo and oshak always keep me coming back for more. Same metaphor applies to your squad. Cooper Kupp is an absolute freak (Kabuli palau), Tee Higgins is a certified WR1 (mantoo), Jaylen Waddle is a great side option just like the aushak, Travis Kelce has a chance to be the TE1 just like their underappreciated kofta chalau, and Jalen Hurts has a chance to be a 1k rusher and is a safe bet just like the sabzi chalau. But the rest of the dining experience is trash for the aforementioned reasons. Ambiance and customer service matter. Damien Harris and Cordarelle Patterson are flat, boring and unintimidating (just like their ugly early 90’s Ikea furniture), Michael Thomas is already hurt (annoying just like their host who is always in a shitty mood), and Tyler Allgeir is a total gamble (just like their overly sugary desserts). You’ll mostly enjoy their entrees, but you’ll be rushing to pay your bill and leave a 10% (not 20%) tip to the uninspired waiter. So you’re a good spot for lunch, but I’d never take a date there because the entrees aren’t the entire dinner experience.

12. Massoud:

    • Lucille’s BBQ
    • Damn, you put together a good squad. And why the Lucille’s analogy? Well, because your team – like their menu – has solid options from top to bottom. Yes, you have some weaknesses, but the good outshines the bad by a country mile. Kirk Cousins will feast in this (now) pass friendly offense, Devante Adams is playing with his Fresno St. homeboy led by Josh McDaniels in Vegas, Amari Cooper is stuck dealing with Jacoby Brissett as his qb but he is the unquestioned WR1 for the Browns, Rashod Bateman is the undeniable X receiver for Lamar and is projected to shine. As for Alvin Kamara, his legal issues appear to be shelved until next year so you’re good there, Rashad Penny will likely keep his spot at Pete Carroll’s RB1 if he stays healthy (that’s a big “if” with him) and Kenneth Walker remains gimpy, and Kyle Pitts is (in my opinion) the primary receiving threat in ATL (over Drake London). Also, Christian Kirk is the undeniable #1 in Jacksonville (with Zay Jones and Marvin Jones likely taking a backseat). I would have ranked you higher if you had a deeper/better bench, but your starting cast is solid/filling – just like a huge plate of Lucille’s ribs, beef brisket, bbq’d chicken, corn on the cob, fried catfish, mac and cheese, banana pudding, country style lemonade, and even a lollipop for the road. Great meal, always filling, and a reliable choice for days when you just need to walk away stuffed and happy with some good old country eatin’.

13. Arya:

    • Nobu Sushi in Santa Monica
    • If you don’t know Nobu, you don’t know sushi. Not all sushi was created the same. They’re amazing. Like Instagram influencers, movie producers and rich milfs get their grub on here. Your team is Nobu Sushi. Joe Burrow has a new/improved oline, Ja’Marr Chase is legitimately elite, Stefon Diggs is also elite, Robert Woods is the #1 in Tennessee since Treylon Burks is clearly compromised and evidently gassed/just average so far. Moreover, Dalton Schultz is a bargain elite TE for Dallas, Niners defense should roll, Clyde Edwards-Helaire is the lead back in Andy Reid’s stable (but he can’t suck again this year), Damien Pierce is looking like the RB1 in Houston, and Devante Parker is the X receiver for Mac Jones. Your only holes are RB since David Montgomery is just average and Chicago is an unmitigated disaster, and JK Dobbins was great at Ohio State but we need to see if he’s the same dude he was in college since his whole 2021 rookie season was mired with an early injury. So like Nobu sushi, your team is brilliant/tasty, but you’ll find yourself hungry on the drive home because, well, it’s still just sushi. Strong team, just needs to be a tiny tad more filling at RB.

14. Haroon:

    • Helmand Restaurant (Cambridge, Massachusetts)
    • Ok, so when I lived in Boston I was pretty broke all the time. So when I did have money, and when I did have a girlfriend worth splurging on, we always took the T (the subway) to Helmand Restaurant which was tucked away in Cambridge, not too far from Harvard and MIT. Amazing ambiance, incredible nan (bread) to enjoy while the food was being prepped, lamb and beef that was incredible on its own let alone mixed into insanely savory full course dishes like palau, sabzi chalau and kofta chalau. They had French wines that were pricey but paired well with the meals, the service was top notch and the waiters were cultured, funny and interesting to talk to. Just a well-balanced meal that felt light yet filling (if that makes sense), chill vibes and a memorable experience (they even played Ahmed Zahir, Thievery Corporation, Gotan Project and on and on…all good tunes). Every facet of the dining experience was top notch. Same with your squad. Mike Williams is primed to become the #1 in L.A., JuJu has a chance to rebound under Andy Reid, Brandon Aiyuk is killing it in camp and is no longer in Kyle Shanahan’s dog house, Dalvin Cook (health permitting) will give you 13 (maybe 15) good weeks, Saquan Barkley is healed and in a contract year, DeAndre Hopkins is in your bullpen and ready to go after his 6 game ban, and Breece Hall is primed to be a workhorse RB for Robert Saleh (and no, I’m not that worried about Michael Carter, he’s just vanilla). Aaron Rodgers is an X factors given his lack of weapons outside of Romeo Doubs and Allen Lazard, but I doubt he’ll suck. Chargers defense has Justin Jackson and Khalil Mack (in addition to Joey Bosa and Derwin James), and David Njoku is a sleeper at TE. Just like Helmand Restaurant in ol’ Cambridge, your team is rock solid from top to bottom. Excellently assembled team. You’re the Top Dawg for the Preseason.