Sup bitchez. I’m still a little groggy after an unexpected Dillon Francis concert last night that made me miss the game — followed by a long day of work and an upcoming long night of studying. I figured I’d give myself a little break to update you all on the week and slightly roast you in the process.

Real life notes:

• I’m still not used to what time games start/finish on the east coast.
• On this week’s edition of When The Bells Ring: Bell still holding out. Reports have come out that Bell is going to report after week 7. Steelers say they haven’t talked to him all year. I’d be surprised if he comes back after Earl Thomas’ broken leg.
• There’s about an 80% chance Billy and Yema get their first win of the season against me.
• Thank God the Raiders didn’t lose to the Browns.
• There are 4 QBs that are currently on track to break Peyton’s single season passing record: Big Ben, Goff, Kirk Cousins, and my dude Derek Carr.
• Alvin Kamara has had the most PPR fantasy points in the 1st 4 games than any other player….since 1950.
• Fitzmagic is over; and poor guy he has half a game of w/e quarterbacking and he’s immediately benched.
• In the first 3 weeks of 2018, there have been more 400 yard passing games than all of 2017 — hello passing league.

Alright enough of that shit.

SOGG VS EDGAR

Update: Sogg has still not left his little underground brewery bar in San Clemente. But he did pull off the steal of the season by nabbing Antonio Brown from the reigning champions for 3 players who got injured this past Sunday… Sogg got more points out of his running backs this week than the past 3 weeks combined and it still wasn’t enough to get him past Edgar’s potent lineup.

Edgar on the other hand has been riding this Rams wave; Goff had over 50 points and Gurley had nearly 25, and Golden Tate swoops in with another 30. To be honest, Edgar basically won this game with just those 3 players; the rest were just icing on the cake. Oh, and he also left 75 points on the bench.

Also:
Goff = #4 QB in the league
Golden Tate = #7 WR in the league
Gurley = #2 RB in the league
Barkley = #5 RB in the league
So, uhh, fuck you Edgar.

Edgar Max Possible Score: 217.2 (New High)
Sogg Max Possible Score: 139.08

BALLS VS MIKE

No Le’Veon Bell, no Randall Cobb, and only 8 points out of Drew Brees? No problem for Mike who inched out the victory late against Balls. Trading away the rotting Dez Bryant ended up working out great for Mike who got 12.6 points out of Ekeler right off the bat and unfortunately for Balls Tyler Gabriel decided to have his biggest outting of the season and dropped 27 points on him. With single digit points out of 5 players on his starting lineup, Mike got saved again by the Saints gods.

Balls on the other hand started CJ Prosise who was doubtful for week 4 and showed it with 0 points; as well as the fresh Josh Gordon who rewarded him with 4 points and a Cleveland defense who couldn’t stop the Oakland offense and gave him -1 points. Other than that Balls had a pretty formidable showing and received respectable numbers across the top half of his lineup, but it wasn’t enough to stop Mike. Unfortunately for Balls he had no one on the bench that would’ve made a difference anyways.

Balls Max Possible Score: 96.60 (97.60 without a defense)
Mike Max Possible Score: 124.88

DIZ VS KAYVON

That feeling when you score nearly 160 points and lose…because your opponent dropped almost 200. Tbh I have nothing bad to say about Diz in this week’s game (my lack of sleep and stress is making me nicer); he put up a hell of a fight. 46 points from Luck, 18 from Diggs, 34 from Zeke and 20 from his Flex and he still got pummeled by the beast that is Kayvon’s team.

Kayvon just had an answer for everything Diz threw at him. 46 points out of Luck? No problem, 38 out of Matty Light. 34 out of Zeke? No problem, 42 out of Kamara. 18 out of Diggs? Cool, here’s 19 out of Robert Woods. 20 out of your flex? Alright here’s 25 from my TE. And then add 15 from his kicker and 11 from his defense and Diz was overpowered from every side.

Diz Max Possible Score: 157.46
Kayvon Max Possible Score: 188.66

MASSOUD VS AMIN

Amin’s team has shut me the hell up quick; after a horrendous pre-draft and draft day Amin has been able to string together a series of small but considerable trades that have put him right in the top half of the league and scoring the points to back it up. Deshaun Watson is lighting it up with 3 games in a row of 27+ points; Cooper Kupp is putting up ridiculous numbers in the Flex, Brandin Cooks is a fucking monster, and now his running backs are doing just enough to keep him in it. Couple that with the Chicago defense (by the way, why the hell would you ever bench them?) and as long as the Rams are flying high then you’ll continue to see Amin scoring big.

It’s been a tough year for Massoud, who started the season claiming this is the best he’s felt about a team because it’s the first time he’s been able to visually see it during the draft. Unfortunately for him, OBJ has not been the superstar he drafted in the first round; and his Running backs are prone to have bust games more often than not. If I was you I’d package one of your TEs with a RB to return a better RB, go get em tiger.

Massoud Max Possible Score: 139.22
Amin Max Possible Score: 202.9 (Another addition to the 200 club)

MOSTAFA VS ZAYD

And for this one, welcoming guest writer Mostafa Rashid —

After getting dominated by Big Ballers, there are rumors that Zayd is blaming the bad drafting and slow start on his co-gm (the brains of the operation) Yusuf. As reported by Adam Schefter Yusuf could be on the hot seat if 🏅🏅🏅 continues to lose. Schefter stated “It looks like Zayd is looking to put the blame of the slow start on anybody and everybody including his co-gm Yusuf.” As the Big Ballers took the stage against 🏅🏅🏅 it was looking like it could be a trap game for the 3-0 Big Ballers taking on the 1-2🏅🏅🏅. It was a slow start for Big Ballers, but in the second half🏅🏅🏅 had no chance. Joe Flacco and John Brown said in a post game interview that the team took it easy in the 1st, but they knew they had to step up and step on 🏅🏅🏅 throat when they had them down. With a combined 82.12 from Flacco, Brown, and potential team MVP Melvin Gordon Big Ballers were able to make up for their injured Leonard Fournette. As for 🏅🏅🏅, TMZ had reported that Russell Wilson, Dalvin Cook, and Doug Baldin were seen at the local pub the night before. That could explain the horrifying 16 combined points. Overall it looks like the 3 time champs looking like they might miss the playoffs. With a season ending injury to Tight End Tyler Eifert, its not looking good for 🏅🏅🏅 as they are forced to start Tyler Kroft at tight end. It looks like 🏅🏅🏅 are stuck in the old school ways as Big Ballers and other teams are really utilizing analytics.

Mostafa Max Possible Score: 175.72
Zayd Max Possible Score: 110.78

ARYAN VS ARYA

Yea yea. Move along.

Aryan Max Possible Score: 118.4 + Any other QB’s score because Tannenhill sucks ass.
Arya Max Possible Score: 165.36

AZIZIS VS AKBAR

And last but not least, a new low point in the league. With only 49 points scored this week, the Azizi brothers had 5 teams score roughly 2x their points; 5 teams score roughly 3x their points; and 3 teams score roughly 4x their points. That’s right, the next lowest scoring team still had 2x the points of the Azizis. I did say that they needed to make a trade if they wanted to compete, but the trade they made was not what I meant. Then to top it off, all 3 of the players they traded for got injured…lol.

Akbar had a nice scoring day, but he was the lucky recipient of a down Azizi week. He could’ve benched 3/4 of his team and still won this week. Also we’re all still butthurt about your cheating/colluding Calvin Ridley trade.

Azizis Max Possible Score: 67.12 (74.12 if they didn’t start a defense)
Akbar Max Possible Score: 151.78