With Week 1 now officially in the books, your friendly neighborhood league CTO is here to give you the rundown of what happened in this opening week of the 2018/2019 Coliseum season.

Real life notes:

• LeVeon Bell is still holding out. With no end in sight, was the #3 pick a bust? Will the Steelers trade him to the Packers? Will Bell sign his contract offer? Tune in next week on “When the Bells Ring”
• Wow the Lions looked bad, Bill Belichick’s coaching tree remains pretty damn bad. And now reports are out that the Lions aren’t happy with the “rules” and methods he’s implementing; that doesn’t sound good.
• Fuck you Gruden. I hate you.
• Side note: Derek Carr, wtf dude.
• The Browns finally end their losing streak…in the most Browns way ever…by not winning. Hugh Jackson is such a terrible coach.
• How about my dude Aaron Rodger’s comeback victory. Not to mention his post-game speech where the man from California is high af and sounds like he’s from Texas:

Sogg vs Balls

Sogg entered a secret basement speakeasy brewery deep in San Clemente early Sunday morning. He told himself that he would not leave the safety of his dark, drunken enclave until his team came out victorious. Rumor has it, he’s still sitting there to this day.

This game ended up being weirdly close. Check this out: both teams had nearly identical outings from QB’s, but Sogg got a combined 10 points out of his starting RBs and 1.8 points from FLEX and yet he still only lost by 10 points. 20 points out of Gronk and 18 points out of the Rams defense kept Sogg in contention for a game he really had no business being this close in.

Sogg Max Possible Score (Ideal Lineup): 118.8 points
Balls Max Possible Score (Ideal Lineup): 131.24 points

Diz vs Amin

The biggest storyline of the league takes an interesting twist here — the man who traded his top 3 picks actually won his first game. Granted, he scored the 3rd lowest amount of points in the league this week and just so happened to be playing the lowest scoring team in the league this week (Diz gets a taste of his own medicine from last season). This matchup included not 5, not 6, but 10 players in single digits — 5 on each team. This has to be a new league record of some sort.

Diz Max Possible Score: 103.96
Amin Max Possible Score: 109.94

Mike vs Zayd

The second biggest storyline this season, Mike passing over Alvin Kamara for LeVeon Bell. Obviously, this was the smart move and you cannot fault Mike for making the correct decision here. And fortunately for Mike, Drew Brees and the Saints Gods are gracious and carried him to victory in week 1…without his star player. 0.3 points out of his WR3? No problem. -1.10 out of his RB2? No biggie. Zayd starting Saints defense? Hehe

And that sums up this matchup really. A die hard Saints fan snubbing the Saints in the first round but then being saved by the Saints in the end.

Mike Max Possible Score: 129.86
Zayd Max Possible Score: 127.92 (135.92 if he didn’t play a DEF lol)

Akbar vs Massoud

Every time I think something is the biggest storyline, I forget about something else. How about the trade/collusion storyline lead by Akbar? Well ball don’t lie, Calvin Ridley got a solid 0 points. (Even Michael Gallup got 1.4 points lol) But overall this was the game of points left on the bench, with Massoud leaving nearly 50 points on the bench and Akbar leaving over 60. Other than that? Eh, boring.

Akbar Max Possible Score: 168.96 (Yowza)
Massoud Max Possible Score: 141.22

Aryan vs Edgar

Man fuck this. Team sux. Fuck u too Edgar.

Aryan Max Possible Score: 118.64
Edgar Max Possible Score: 152.82

Mostafa vs Billy/Yema

The reigning champs were no match for Trump/LavarBall. Marquis Goodwin’s injury was a huge loss for them, and leaving nearly 22 points in AP on the bench didn’t help their cause anymore. But even with those changes, Mostafa had 2 guys score 35+ points, 1 with 20, and and 3 with 13+ points (including his fucking kicker). And the scariest part was that he scored 160 with Fournette getting hurt and an 18 point TE (his lowest scorer was his TE) sitting on the bench. Lucky week for Mostafa, who had every guy hit.

Mostafa Max Possible Score: 175.96
Bill/Yema Max Possible Score: 153.64 (damn, hella good too)

Wizard vs Arya

And last but certainly not least, ANOTHER storyline of this season and ongoing is the wizard and his wizarding ways. Arya started off very hot, with Tom Brady and Michael Thomas going off in the early games — but it wasn’t enough for Kayvon who had a few of players in shootout games, like Mike Evans, Alvin Kamara; and a few players who were the only scorers in non-shootout games like Ajayi, and Coleman. Week 1 goes to the wizard.

Kayvon Max Possible Score: 167.44
Arya Max Possible Score: 147.44